Hello old friends! It’s been ages since I’ve written to you!

Today I want to talk to you about something. It’s not a post about my feelings or anything, just a straight downright honest letter to everybody who is reading this.

If any of you guys realized, I have disappeared on tumblr for quite a long time.

I wish my excuse is simple, like I’ve been busy or writer’s block. But truthfully, it’s a bit more than that.

As you guys might know, life has definitely took a twist on me, and things are certainly changing around. Some people would probably describe it as a disastrous change, regrettable change, a change that I should have prevented from happening. Hey! All I know that it has been teaching me new things and shaping me, making me stronger. That should be something worth rejoicing in. 

Firstly, I want to make it clear, that the purpose of me writing a blog was never about the fame, attention, or followers, or whatever. The point is, I want to share my stories, feelings, thoughts,experiences, and I want to share more about His goodness. I want to encourage people, sharing positivism and optimism, together learning to love God and love people more. Be the kind of blog that can make you SMILE, even when you felt like you couldn’t. Just by writing to you… lengthy eccentric/idiosyncratic writings occasionally. Most of the time.

Second, and seeing the numbers of people that watched me grow from my crazy comedic posts to my deepest feelings and honest thoughts which are expressed in words, I couldn’t be more thankful for all the love and support that I’ve received over the years. All glory to God. 

And finally THIRD, a lot of things has happened to me these past few months, starting from the incident, changes, and some minor cases of cyber bullying. 

I have been thinking hard about how to greet you guys with a sincere hello, and what to say? But nothing came to my mind and I couldn’t think of anything to say, and I was too shy to reach out to you guys again.

To be honest, emotionally I wasn’t ready to go back active in this cyber world we live in called the Internet, especially TUMBLR. Reading too much hate comments and destructing criticisms sometimes makes me feel like abandoning blogging and focus more into my studies and activities.

I was so scared about what will happen if I ever start writing again.

But then I stumbled across some of the messages, questions, e-mails that some of you have sent to me. And I couldn’t help but tear out..

At first, I WANTED to be the one who make YOU smile. But instead, you guys have been the ones that make me smile, encourage me, and make me happy. And for that, from the bottom of my heart, I sincerely want to say THANK YOU.

Thank you for the attention that you have gave to me over the time, thank you for watching me grow, thank you for teaching me a lot of life lessons, thank you for teaching me to treasure people more.

I have never think of you guys, whether it be on instagram, twitter, formspring, tumblr, facebook, etc as FANS. I will always call you guys as my FRIENDS. 

I will try to stop being shy to reach out to you guys, and I will to write to you many stories and sing you more songs. So please look forward to it! ^_^

Again, thank you so much. I will see you soon. <3 

A nostalgic day that’s what it is. 

Literally and non-literally speaking we’re miles apart yet for some time today, I feel incredibly close to you. Memories sure does have that mystical powers to revive all the thoughts and feelings you’ve buried inside for so long. 

There’s heart in it somewhere, in all the words and thoughts that were exchanged and that’s worth something. 

What I think I miss is the thought of you waiting for me but I’m flying too fast to let myself REALLY miss the past. I don’t miss the past, I miss you.

Missing it so much, sometimes even the sound of the rush itself sounds like you at your most charming, when you’re tired and relaxed and happy. 

You whisper and your voice gets soft and low and warm and I feel a pang of something deep in my chest because I like it, or I guess I used to like it because it was familiar and it was mine.

Talking about it doesn’t hurt, it just feels intense. Maybe I have more going for me than I realize.

But it’s still something I think about and I wish you were here so I could know what you’re thinking, and also so I could hold you.

Sometimes things still doesn’t look real to me. How did we end up here? Where do we go from here?

What do we do.

Lady Autumn is a nickname that I got, due to my tendency of being extremely quiet and shy during this season.

As a Lady Autumn at heart, I guess it’s only normal for me to be getting all hearty and cheerful about the time the autumn leaves starts falling. It’s not a conscious thing, I just relax, wilt, and smile a whole lot more often whenever the season comes. Ooh! And yes I often part myself away just a bit from people, not that because I feel that Autumn is somewhat HOLY. And that the falling leaves are meant to be worshiped, and the cold breeze to be honored. But it’s amazing how I automatically become a massive hardcore thinker during this kind of time to the point where I don’t talk much. I guess that’s just my nature as an extreme human being :) when it comes to the subject of introvert or extrovert… Trust me, it’s not easy, at all, to finally recognize yourself as an introvert but that’s another story.

There’s just something really magical and soothing about Autumn. It’s quiet, romantic, and molasses-sweet. Got me spellbound and mesmerized by its own unique and heartwarming charm. I’m not really sure if those are the appropriate words to be describing the beauty of the season, but those are probably the words that first (and second, and third) that came to mind whilst thinking about Autumn alone. 

Every year, when the temperatures are cooler, and the leaves change color, I would be spending a night where I watch the movie Bambi, while being all snuggled up and cozy in my bunk. Something about the movie is just so poignant and beautiful to the point it makes me feel all subjective and sobered. I like how the story benevolently remind me that life is fragile and even the smallest moments should be cherished dearly. 

That would just be my explanation and declaration of how Autumn mean so much to me, and how deep I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE with the season alone. 

But nonetheless, I also got an astronomical amount of teases about how I’m being too melancholic, sentimental and lonely during this kind of time. Which often, leaves me stunned because… Since when does being alone automatically label someone as being lonely? That my friend, is a very shallow assessment, full of common misconceptions.

At first of course I literally shrieked and yelled (well, not so literally), OF COURSE I’M NOT!!!!!!!! Which leads me to my next question.. Does being alone automatically makes you lonely? 

Now please note the fact again that I’m only 14 years old, and like all the other teenagers, I have such minimum experience in life that it would be a bit impossible if you can actually learn something from me nor my writings or statements, but if you’re somehow touched or moved by it, then now would probably be the most appropriate time of all times to actually say thank you for the appreciation :) but if not, then hey! A thought is a thought. So here goes nothing.

Loneliness would only be felt at the time when you’re either, 1. Being too dependent on some people. Or, 2. You’re being too independent. For me personally, loneliness is just somewhat another form of condemnation. A shackle. Something that weighs you down and leave you hanging there, being dead tired. And none of us would be happy if we were not free from what we hate and free for what we love.

So number one problem, what’s the problem with depending on people?  I’m not entirely saying that it’s wrong to depend on other people, but there are boundaries. When you gave your heart, mind, and soul to another human being that will only bring you down… Now THAT’S the problem. Maybe it’s not their intention to hurt us or fail us, but as far as I know, people have their own limits. None of us human are really ALMIGHTY by definition. So unless you’re relying on The Greater(est) Power, then brace yourself for the aching fall. Because nobody’s ever been perfect and they’ll never be. 

Number two problem, you just told me to not depend on people, and now you’re telling me not to be independent? Just like my answer to the question before, there are boundaries. Everything in life has boundaries. Try as hard as you can to live without the existence of another person in your life, and you’ll realize that whether you like it or hate it, you need them in your life. Don’t waste your time on devoting yourself to.. yourself. Because it’s just pointless. You’ll only bring yourself down. And yes, it’s as crazy as that.

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, I guess it would just be normal if you find yourself being lonely every once in a while. Why? Because we’re all human. We all are striving for something in life. We all are searching for the answer to the one question we all commonly ask ourselves, who am I? 

Try asking yourself that and see if you’ve gotten the answer or a little flash of idea :)

I for myself, has found my identity in Him. I have found my confidence, joy, and security first and foremost in Christ. It’s not so long until I realized that in a sense, we have to be willing to become vulnerable to trust Him if we wish to find security and satisfaction in Him.

“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”

-Deuteronomy 31:6 

Once when we trust the promises of God, we sever the root of corruption by the power of a superior promise.

Set your faith and identity on a firm ground. Though the path before you may be uncertain, but make sure that the ground you’re standing on is firm. 

Being dependent and independent is not wrong, AT ALL. But why rest to your limited or someone else’s limited love and power when you have someone whose power is beyond any greater power in all the universe + beyond, and whose love is more than you can ever comprehend? 

Thus during the time when I was thinking about all the things above, me and my sister Emma, made a cover of 2NE1’s single, Lonely. Basically the song speaks the mind of a girl who just can’t seem to find joy and contentment in the relationship she’s having with a guy, so she decided to end the relationship to go search for her own identity, somewhere else. 

http://soundcloud.com/emmchiskiee/lonely-2ne1-cover-japanese

A bit sappy dramatic I guess, but it’s also downright honest so as a girl… I was pretty touched by the song *sniffles* 

Do check it out and leave your comments on the cover before you leave!

We hope you like it :)

When loneliness finds you on the road, remember what you are running for. We’ll meet at the end and it’ll be worth it.

I’m a scribbler. I scribble a lot.

If you’re really interested in my amateur writings, and if you ever got the chance of holding my iPod… Then I’m suggesting that the first thing you check is not my virtual gallery of pictures, but my notes. 

Over these past few weeks, I have especially been writing a lot with a whole mumbo-jumbo of mixed emotions. Weell, not to the point where I bravely post it on the social media… Mostly it just end up in my Draft Folder, like every other writing that I wrote MAYBE because it’s too downright honest.

But after a lot of consideration, here’s a thought that’s worth to share with you all :)

Of the hundreds of relationships you participate in throughout the course of your roller coaster life — associations of all kind: good/bad, joyful/sad, casual/serious, friendly/hostile, short/long, romantic/heartbreaking and everything in between, there will always be this ONE relationship that harrows you like an old wound that refuses to heal. It haunts your mind, frequents your thoughts, making it hard for you to just, BREATHE.

Not that like it’s impossible to heal, but maybe a part of you, unconsciously, is letting the hurt to ail you. Or maybe it’s because of the fact that you find yourself reluctant to fight a losing battle when your emotions are swinging back and forth like those dusty old broken saloon doors on rusty hinges. 

You restlessly live, breathe, dream, and repeat— but such malady of discontent and heartbreak just won’t go away! Causing your heart and emotions to play a constant game of tug of war, each pulling one end of your instincts.

Wrestling with your emotions over the dream of someone who still claims so much of your sentiment but it just falls flat on the reality that the person, is no longer there… well isn’t that lovely. 

Trying to make it all feel better, you try to settle down and think.

But you realize that you CAN’T. So you choose to distract yourself… And it works wonders.

I spent a lot of nights tossing over it and it seems all roads lead to one conclusion. Ultimately, my prayer is that Jesus continue His ever-present work in my heart, change me from the inside out, unearth and kill off those roots of sin, doubt and immorality so that I may better reflect Christ, so that I may better serve Him, so that I may better understand and live the life of love He’s called me to live.

The more you mull over it, think about, and go over the scene in your mind, the more it has the opportunity to take root within your soul and plant deep seeds of bitterness.

Though I’m still learning, I’m trying hard to forgive, and the only thing that will ruin that, is if I keep on thinking about it. So better not, don’t you think? :)

My only job in this case is just to love them as Christ loves me, and to demonstrate His noble love no matter how they act in return. But how often do I worry about living a pure life of love if/when I’m not living the way God has commanded me as a follower of Christ? By all means, I am guilty.

I just want to have THAT hunger to experience the fullness of all God has for me on this earth, I wan’t to be caught up in the most epic adventure of a Christ-centered life, I want to be so a live and ebullient in God that I’m unshakable to the point that no allure of the world can pull myself into apathy or impassivity, most of all, I want to demonstrate God’s love towards people and that my personality and character to be His means of expression. 

And thus, I believe that even when you’re going through trials or hardships in life, they can even remind you that all that are actually exciting God-given opportunities to gain greater victory, patience, faith, strength, and dependence upon Him.

So goodbye now to the breakdown between thought, emotion and behavior. Farewell to faulty perception and inapt actions and feelings. Goodbye to withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion. Good riddance to an overwhelming sense of mental fragmentation.

I’m so excited about life. 

To Him be glory, greatness and power.

“I ask you that we all love each other. And love means living the way God commanded us to live. As you have heard form the beginning, God’s command is this: Live a life of love.”

2 John 5-6.